» On the Money

Bet on it…

James Coon — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 03:44:21 +0000

They’ve got slot machines now that configure themselves to whatever denomination of coin you’d care to bet. Dollars, Half-dollars, quarters, dimes, nickels, pennies. Even real paper money, I suppose. That’s what led me to my system.

While I’m winning, which is most of the time, I bet dollars, with multiple coins and pay lines. If things start to dry up I move down to 50¢; and then, if things continue to dry up, 25¢. Whatever it takes to stay in the game. I just lay low until my next streak comes around. Sometimes I get to a dime, but rarely.

So wouldn’t you know that the last time Kathy and I were up at Circus Circus, she walks by with a tray full of dollar tokens and asks how well my hundred bucks is holding out. I tell her I’m not down to pennies yet. Ha, ha. I pull the handle as she strolls away toward the video poker.

Okay, so I wasn’t quite telling it straight. But, hey, the system is an up and down thing. And strictly speaking, you don’t have to admit you’re down to pennies if you’ve still got 12¢ left.

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Odd lots…

James Coon — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 01:44:42 +0000

I love the Mendocino county coast, but Kathy tells me she much prefers it just over the first range and into the drier Anderson valley. As a result we may be in the market for 600 acres—fifty feet wide by a hundred miles long.

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30 minutes later…

James Coon — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 02:14:53 +0000

(“…may be monitored in order to improve…”)

“Good morning, my name is Sharon. How may I be of assistance to you?”

“Good morning. I need to return my cordless toothbrush under the Lifetime Warranty.”

“Yes, sir. I believe I can help you with that. Is your item working or not working, sir?”

“It’s, um…not working. That’s why I’d want to return it.”

“Then there’s no warranty.”

“But it’s a Lifetime Warranty.”

“I’m sorry, sir—did you say the item is working, or it is not working?”

“No, it’s not working. It’s dead. Totally dead. That’s wh—”

“Then there’s no warranty, sir. You see, it’s only a lifetime warranty.”

Maybe I can get one cheap at Costco.

(“…Is there anything else I may assist you with further today?”)

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There were incentives…

James Coon — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 02:24:31 +0000

People exhibit their pride in America in different ways. They vote. They volunteer. They check tags on things they buy—Kathy does that. Some even attach little fluttering flags to their cars proclaiming their solidarity and patriotism.

Kathy says she saw a car the other day with two flags, one on each side. There was an additional flag sticker on the rear window, and one on the bumper. The license plate frame said “Love It Or Leave It”.

The car was a Hyundai.

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Real estate rule #1…

James Coon — Tue, 11 Jan 2011 04:38:56 +0000

My brother-in-law’s got a motor home longer than the wait at the Social Security office. He paid a fortune for it. I asked him how much it’s worth today. He says it varies depending upon where it’s parked.

Location, location, location.

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If you have to ask…

James Coon — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 02:43:04 +0000

Coon’s Corollary of Clothes Shopping #14: You can usually gauge the prices in a dress or other apparel shop by noting how far apart the display racks are.

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Consumer report…

James Coon — Mon, 27 Dec 2010 02:40:37 +0000

After extensive testing, consisting of one consecutive try, we find the Oreck hand-held vacuum can indeed pick up a bowling ball, if you take out the bag.

Pro…Vacuum sucks. Con: No fail-safe mechanism to prevent injury if unplugged while the ball is still over your little toe.

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Or “Current Resident”…

James Coon — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 00:02:29 +0000

Got a mass-mailer today from a credit card company, with my “Personal Exclusive Offer” enclosed. Inside, in type fifty-times bigger than the interest rate, was the offer: “1% back on all purchases…up to $30!”.

I don’t know. I don’t think so. Seems like a lot of trouble for 30¢.

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Back to reality…

James Coon — Fri, 10 Dec 2010 21:59:12 +0000

Now this is Black Friday. Forget the other one. Today my first credit card bill came for early Christmas purchases.

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It’s systematic…

James Coon — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 04:27:51 +0000

I’m pretty good at poker. It’s because I have a system. My system is that I have no system. I”m so unpredictable even I can’t predict me. It drives people crazy. Then they forget their own system.

That’s really my system.

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